RELATIONSHIP INTIMACY

A couple's intimacy suffers not because of disagreements but because disagreements lead to a feeling of threat. That threat can propel each partner's nervous system into a state of arousal, rendering intimacy and its fruits unobtainable. One partner may withdraw, close down or freeze (high-arousal); the other may pursue, escalate or fight (low-arousal).

Hardwired in early childhood, these arousal states get re-animated during intimate conflict and moments of marital stress. They can lead to repeated, anticipated and intense periods of mutual insecurity, where both partners may feel angry, injured and desperately isolated. Partners may feel so hopeless they can hardly remember the connection that brought them together in the first place.

As a marriage counselor, I help couples monitor and regulate their arousal levels during conversations and fights, teaching them what happens physiologically when they feel threatened. Skillful interactive regulation between partners reduces threat before either partner slips into fight, flight or freeze. When partners pay attention to the underlying ebb and flow of arousal, they can navigate the currents of conflict more easily, repair with greater facility the regrettable incidents that occur in all relationship, and nourish the love that longs to be recognized in any intimate union.

As couples learn to be more responsive custodians of relationship security, their new and emotionally productive experiences help to re-pattern their nervous systems. They can then begin to create their relationship anew, in the present moment, without being hijacked by shadow of the past. Their relationship can then become the safe and intimate haven
 for which they have always longed.